Guilt begets more guilt, Journal Entry 2
We ran into one of my brothers amongst the ruins of a small village that had the misfortune of crossing Oldden’s path. It seems that father found it fitting to tell all his children of my shame of lusting over Heru during the great hunt. I have no doubts that my father told my mother as well. I don’t think I will ever live down what will happen that day and it seems that my punishment is to live out my days as a pariah to the gods and become a smear on the otherwise pristine history of the Myhrrian legacy. This is a luxury that Heru and my unborn child did not receive.
I told her I loved her… that I wanted to marry her. I was more then ready to spit in the face of the gods for her and my seed, but I wonder now… did those words have truth… or fear behind them? When I saw her body… I… I felt… more relief then grief for her present state. Although I had truly mourned her passing, the weight of my guilt lifted off my shoulders that very moment. From her death, I felt freed of my transgressions. Only now that the shame has been brought to light in the eyes of the world does my guilt burden me again and now it has become twofold. I not only spit in the face of the gods, but I piss on the grave of the my sister and the mother of my child with my very thoughts. Scirocco was right, I am no child of the gods, I’m not even a mortal. There is no lower creature then I.
With a dagger clutched tightly in my hand, I wonder now if I should even let the gods have their satisfaction with my misery, but there are more important matters to attend too, even more important then my sin. Oldden must be stopped… and I have given my word to my allies. Even if they despise me, even if I despise myself, I will not selfishly forsake the task I have been given. Redemption may not be around the corner, but I will make for damn sure that I will not die a pariah.