Entry 7 and a Half
So, I knew something happened. With the flip out after I said “you wouldn’t understand” I knew something happened. After the rat people, all the involuntary mood/shape changes, and how she never talked about anything serious, I knew. I just didn’t know how bad it was. I can’t blame her. Not in the slightest. I never said anything about my past so I wouldn’t expect her to. I know what it’s like dealing with all of this. Not having answers to anything and all you have are feelings you can’t do anything with. Feelings that make you feel alone, abandoned, completely isolated from how you think you should feel. I can say for sure that I wasn’t so socially inclined as she is at her age though. I had a more blunt way of living out my life. I’m jealous of her defense mechanism. It seems to function better with people than mine that just seems to make me punch people in the face. I just wish I could help her. I want to be able to say something that would help, but I’m not one for saying words out loud. Maybe a hug? No. That’s not me either and I don’t know if she would even like that. A nice pat on the back with a smile? Well, maybe just a pat on the back.
It’s funny how this is all coming out now. Like we are getting somewhere. As if there is something so big in front of us that we have no choice but to open up for the first time. To get close. It might be our last chance to really share ourselves. Everything ahead seems so large, so menacing, it is hard to imagine anything good coming out of it. Maybe that is why all our old baggage is finally drying out. Cause if not now, then when?
One big thing, and this can’t be understated. Why do Zori and I have horrible tragedies from our childhood, and the worst thing that happened to Sapphire is being grown from a plant and her father’s…seed. Can we trade? Cause her bad thing is a really cool thing. I don’t really understand it or even how it is at all possible, but I am totally jealous.
Unwavering in self loathing,