Quotes from Beneath of the Village of Harken
Encounter 1: Kobolds and Giant Rats
Matt: “D’Kar bash!” What’s my intelligence anyway? Eleven. That’s not bad.
Slash: That’s about average, right?
Patrick: You have a higher intelligence than me?
Josh: You’re wise.
Patrick: I’m [street] smart.
Patrick: What’s your character’s name?
Patrick: Like the cologne?
Matt: Not drakkar. Yeah, my character’s name is Drakkar Noir
Slash: You already started the recording some time ago, I assume?
Matt: Oh yeah.
Josh: When we went upstairs to get drinks, it was already on, so whatever you guys were discussing…. “Dude, your wife looked real hot last night!”
Josh: “Much to your wive’s chagrin and your children’s delight, you bid them farewell and set out in search of glory.”
Josh: In the village, there’s an inn, a tavern, and a couple little stores, so what would you like to do?
Patrick: Do they have a Best Buy?
Slash: I purchase audio/video equipment.
Josh: “Good friends, allow me to purchase a beverage as we discuss a matter of great importance.” Oh, he’s a dwarf, he should probably speak with a Scottish accent, huh?
Matt: Let’s go.
Josh: [ in rough accent ] “We’re tryin’ t’ keep this as quiet as possible.” … Arrrr!
Josh: [ in rough accent ] I’m a Scottish pirate-y dwarf.
Matt: I order—he offered free drinks, right?
Josh: Yes. “Aye.”
Matt: “Prune juice.”
Slash: [ laughing ] Prune juice.
Josh: [ laughing ] Roll for constitution.
Matt: [ rolls ]
Josh: You succeed against the debilitating effects of prune juice. So you won’t have to duck out every ten minutes during the adventure.
Matt: A natural 20.
Slash: On prune juice.
Matt: I’m gonna get natural 1s the rest of the time.
Josh: “If you would help us, we can scrape together a reward of 25 gold pieces. We are but poor farming folk and don’t have much more to offer besides that and our hospitality.”
Patrick: Farmers’ daughters?
Josh: You’re a cleric!
Matt: That’s the “neutral” part speaking.
Patrick: Are we in such a position that we can do a surprise action?
Josh: I think it’s too bright for you guys to run in there and do a surprise on them. They would notice you before you got that far. [ laughs ] Have Matt take off his armor and run in, and then they’d be distracted.
Slash: We attempt a surprise attack. Clank, clank, clank, clank.
Josh: Kobold minion remaining has a speed of 6. He is going to go toe to toe with the wizard. He’s going to attempt to stab you with a javelin.
Slash: Fair enough.
Josh: Since you got up in his face and burnt his friend to death. And he was beating him at cards and now he’s really pissed. “I kill you!” He rolled a natural one.
Encounter 2: Goblin Sharpshooter and Kobold Dragonshields
Josh: [ muttering ] I rolled kick-ass initiative….
Patrick: Speak into the mic, please.
Josh: [ loudly ] Kick ass!
Josh: Patrick’s in front—why are you in front?
Patrick: Well, I saw what crappy job you guys did on the front line before…figured, get out of the way, I’ll do it myself.
Josh: [The goblin sharpshooter] levels his bow at the cleric, who’s out in the front, and rolls a 12+7 against your AC. You’re gonna take 10 damage from the “ka-chunk, clang!” as it pierces your chain mail.
Patrick: That worries me. Suddenly you guys were doing a much better job.
Patrick: I’m going to move…here, do a Healing Strike on that goblin—
Josh: Dragonshield, kobold.
Matt: What’s that do? Does that, like, suck his points into you?
Patrick: It’s a strike with my melee weapon and I also—“you or one ally within five squares spend a healing surge.” So, I’m going to roll attack. 3+3, I have a 6.
Josh: He easily deflects that with his shield and then kind of snickers.
Josh: I’m going to use my immediate Dragonshield Tactics reaction to shift back one square, away from Patrick.
Slash: ’Cause you were totally intimidated by his Healing Strike.
Josh: This guy’s not marked, so you can mark him, since the guy that was marked is now dead.
Matt: Okay, I pee on him.
Slash: Most disgusting paladin ever.
Matt: How else would you mark him?
Josh: He’s like, “Eeh!”
Slash: I’d go, you know, like, “You!”
Patrick: I get that treatment back at the lair.
Slash: You get a +2 to this roll.
Josh: So your plus is going to actually be +9.
Patrick: +9, sweet.
Matt: [ rolls ]
Slash: Which didn’t do any good whatsoever. Critical miss.
Josh: Your longsword—you swing at him, he doesn’t even move, and you still miss.
Matt: Well, look at him, he’s like a little—. I swung right over top of him because he’s what, all of what? Two millimeters tall?
Josh: He’s the same height as your base. If you’d get off of that pedestal you’re standing on….
Matt: Well, I am a paladin. I am supposed to be on a pedestal.
Patrick: Did he attack that one?
Slash: I attacked the goblin.
Patrick: Oh, okay.
Slash: Ganassi feels that you melee types can handle the—
Patrick: Oh, don’t lump me together with him.
Josh: Your charging attack kills him.
Patrick: Very good.
Slash: “Well done, D’Kar!” I call from waaay back in the hallway.
Slash: I didn’t take any damage that time.
Patrick: Way to stay back in the hallway.
Slash: He takes a quick jaunt over to the closed door and listens at that too to see if there’s anything….
Josh: I will have you roll.
Slash: Perception check on that one? [ rolls ] That’s a two.
Josh: There could be bombs going off in there and you would have no idea.
Slash: Apparently I didn’t actually go to the door.
Patrick: Well, if you’d turn off your iPod….
Patrick: You have not stabbed anyone in the face yet.
Slash: I haven’t even brandished my longsword. I think I’ve kept it in its scabbard actually. I’ve been busy with my wand.
Patrick: That’s what she said.
Josh: You can just make out a large bear skin rug spread before a door on the far side of the room.
Patrick: Cigar lounge.
After Ganassi jumps over a spiked-floor trap, everybody looks for a switch on their respective side of the room.
Patrick: I got a 21.
Josh: You notice a switch on the bottom side of the cauldron.
Slash: Oh, that the wizard’s fire’s in? Well, gee, that would’ve been—
Patrick: It was more fun to watch you jump across.
Josh: Actually, it would have been more fun if you would have tried to jump across and missed.
Matt: Just for the sake of doing it, I’m going to leap over that. I got a six.
Josh: You trip, land on the [trapped] square, and still nothing happens.
Josh: You hear some kind of moaning and rattling sound.
Patrick: Yes! Undead!
Slash: Patrick’s happy.
Josh: And the cleric is excited.
Encounter 3: Skeletons and Zombies
Patrick: Everything in here, I’m a pro at. I read about this in correspondence school.
Matt: That was the one day you showed up to class.
Patrick: The teacher was hot, what do you expect?
Matt: Probably role-played by a guy.
Patrick: Ewwww. You’re ruining it for me.
Patrick: I can push the target a number of squares equal to “3 plus your Charisma modifier” which…; I am just really insulting, so I don’t expect—
Slash: You’ve got 2, so you can go up to 5.
Patrick: That’s more than I have in real life.
Slash: Ganassi’s going to come on over here just to this side of the broken tomb. He’s gonna start—since this was a well-known sorcerer, he’s going to start with an Arcana check on the tomb. [ rolls ] That was a one.
Patrick: A critical one.
Josh: You have a hard time finding the tomb. Fortunately for you, you didn’t fall into it.
Matt: Same thing. Two!
Patrick: All right, I can see I’m going to have to do this all by myself.
Slash: I don’t have any implements for trying to pick the lock.
Josh: That would just give you a bonus. You can just use your arcane power.
Slash: I can conjure a lock pick; I just can’t use it. Which is the stupidest thing, I can conjure it but I can’t use it, ‘cause it doesn’t—what does it say? “It can’t serve as a weapon or tool….”
Matt: You can conjure it but you don’t know the combination to it.
Slash: Yeah. All right, I’m gonna roll.
Matt: A one!
Slash: I told you I didn’t have any tools!
Josh: Who needs a warrior when you have a squishy wizard to block the lever?
Josh: As a free action, he incites his goblin buddies to “Kill them!”
Matt: Sounds like the Scottish dwarf.
Patrick: I’m going to use Righteous Brand.
Matt: So, Coke instead of Sur-Fine.
Josh: Nothing. His short sword attack…you parry it with your longsword. Despite the fact—
Slash: That it’s in the sheath.
Slash: Ganassi, for the first time in this adventure, pockets his wand and unsheathes his longsword.
Josh: That’s what she said!
Matt: Javelin at the mage.
Josh: As you make your roll, he says “Hey, you!” and the guy next to him turns around and steps in front of him.
Patrick: The other goblin goes “Ehhh?”
Josh: You hit the warrior in the back.
Slash: “Ow, what the…?”
Josh: “Thanks! Oh, nothing.”
Slash: Just for giggles, I’m going to use Ghost Sound and make this statue here make loud, booming, goblin-like roar.
Josh: Like an intimidation type of thing?
Matt: He’s going to go…“Hey!”
Slash: I’m going to Magic Missile the hexer.
Josh: Oh, okay. No, he’s my BFF!
Slash: Which has no penalty ‘cause we’re both outside the cloud, bee-yotch. [ rolls ]
[ laughter ]
Josh: You roll a one.
Slash: You regain 6 hit points.
Slash: Thanks to Morley’s laying hands on you.
Patrick: Normally, I don’t like that kind of thing.
Josh: But in this instance, we’ll allow it.
Josh: On the goblin hexer, you discover a note that says that, “Once you set up operations near the town of Harken, you should join us at the big shindig up in Winterhaven.”
Slash: Now we know where our next adventure’s going to be. At that point we exchange furtive looks and the soundtrack goes “Dun dun dun!”
Matt: I’ll probably have to give away 90% of my….
Patrick: Have to tithe.
Matt: But we’re not in a town that has a temple, so—
Josh: Actually, there’s a temple there, you just didn’t ask about it. It’s not your god’s temple, though, so you can pee on it, if you want.
Matt: I mark it.