I don’t know if I’m ever going to get the smell of gnoll out of my hair. I think it’s messing with my natural sex scent that makes the ladies want to love me. We met this hot ancient holy warrior chick who lived in the sword we found and she wasn’t even interested. It’s gotta be the gnoll.
Gods, we’ve killed so many of the filthy things. They were all over Greystone fortress. Not that this was a surprise or anything, we knew there would be tons of the butt-sniffers, but still.
Luckily we found a secret passage in the depths of the fortress that let us sneak past a whole room of them, but then we just found another room full, along with a big evil portal and Fangren, the big smelly leader of the pack. He was a tough bastard, but we got him. Then Ityhk declared himself the new leader. I was wondering why he kept growling at us not to kill the stinky creatures. Not that I listened to him.
Once we got the portal closed, with the held of the magic sword that would be a woman, Ityhk marched off after the other group we had snuck past. Not that I mind ridding the world of more gnolls, but the smell…
Anyway, we walked in on some shadar-kai teaching them how to use some amazing weapon. Poor guy was probably there for days. “Put your hand in here, swing your sword. No, swing after your hand is in the glove…” I think we did him a favor stabbing him to death.
Funny thing, he told his minions to “kill them all”, them being the Men & I (and Ityhk) and then, you know, we killed them all. This has happened at least a dozen times in the last few months and every time we’re still breathing. I think maybe we’re magic, or protected by some divine force…
May 20, 2013 12:30
March 12, 2013 00:48
Things took a dark turn for me the other day. I propositioned a woman and she turned me down! Am I losing my machismo? I mean, we ended up screwing anyway, but that’s mostly thanks to these new magic glasses I bought. Am I getting rusty? I don’t know, dear journal, but it worries me.
You know what doesn’t worry me? Bad guys. We found out about some plot to kidnap & assassinate us so I came up with this amazing plan to pretend we were captured and have my boy Bart bring us in, catch them by surprise and take them out, collecting the reward money for ourselves.
In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t plan capers when I’m in the bag. Ah well, it still worked out and my new littler buddy Bart made it out alive! I’m going to have to look that kid up when I get back to Overlook.
Oh, yea we’re back in Brinendol now. The council sent an urgent request for The Men & I (and Ithyk) to come be bad asses and save the fucking day. Nothing new there. We’ve just stopped off in Madmartigan’s Manse Victorious briefly to sleep in our own beds, then we make for the city at first light, or at least before midday. Can’t wait to hear what crazy shit we need to do next!
March 11, 2013 16:42
Kage the Black stood nervously in the dimly lite warehouse. The symbol of the devil Glasrael was painted on the floor in the black blood of a shadow dragon. Dio fluttered over head and cold sweat trickled down Kage’s back as he hesitated before placing power into the symbol to complete it.
“Are you nervous?” Dio asked. " I’ve never seen you nervous before."
" You’ve never seen me ask for something really important from the bO..Ss." Kage replied, his voice cracking at the end.
" Well, I guess I’m not important then…..you weren’t nervous when you received me." said Dio indignantly as he crossed his arms.
" Shut up, I didn’t ask for you. You were a gift." The book imp glowered as Kage spoke. “Alright, here it goes.” Kage knelt down and places his slit finger tip on the symbol and channeled power into it and out of a blast of hell fire and soot the devil Glasrael appeared. The devil looked down at Kage with a look of contemptuous boredom on his face.
" A shadow dragon? Well aren’t you moving up in the world." Glasrael said as he glanced about the room clearly not impressed. He sighed as he continued. " So what do you have to waste my time today."
" I……ummmmm," Kage stammered out." well you see, I was kind of hoping that….. Well it’s kind of like this, sooooooo……"
“OUT WITH IT KAGE!” Glasrael shouted. " I may be immortal but that doesn’t mean I have forever."
“S..s..sorry.” Wimpered Kage as his usually crimson skin went to a shade closer to pink. " So this was the thing, I was wondering if I could…..I don’t know, maybe like, make a deal for more potent powers?" He flinched at the completion of his sentence. Glasrael simply stared at him a moment and then began to laugh heartily. After about 30 seconds he managed to respond.
“Kage, I already have your soul, you haven’t manage to spread any corruption though the world and the fact that you’ve given me any useful information up until this point has been pure chance so what could you hope to offer me in exchange for more power?”
“Well….ummmm” Kage began" How about the souls of people I kill or help kill? You know, like a warlock pact?" Glasrael looked at him for a moment and them at the symbol written in dragon blood.
“You would honestly offer the life essence of the slain to me?”
“well, sure. I mean they’re all bad guys anyway.” Glasrael narrowed his eye’s and examined Kage as he considered the offer. A smile slowly spread across his devilish countenance. He then raised his hand and snapped his fingers. In a wisp of ash and brimstone a scroll appeared in the devils hand. he unrolled it and handed it to Kage.
“Very well, sign it in you’re own blood.” Glasrael said with a sinister grin on his face.
“Wow.” Said Kage, awe struck. " It kinda has a lot of stuff written on it." he squinted as he looked closer. " Some of this print is really small."
“It say’s what you requested, more or less. There are a few minor details that you wouldn’t find interesting, really none of it is very important. Besides don’t you…..” Glasrael suddenly found his fast talk interrupted by Kage thrusting the signed document in his face. Kage smiled up at him. Before Kage could even begin considering to think Glasrael had snatched the contract back up." Very good Kage." said Glasrael with a truly wicked smile. " And in exchange I gift you with Hell-Fire. Use it well." And with that Glasreal slowly vanished into wisps of greasy black smoke, which was his calmest, least abrupt exit Kage could remember. Kage wiped the sweat from his forehead and decided to try his new power. He hummed a infernal note and a blast of black flames exploded a near by crate. He let out a long sigh.
“Man,” He said to Dio " I don’t even know why I was so nervous." Dio simply rolled his eyes.
“Idiot’s and children rarely do…” the book imp muttered under his breath.
March 11, 2013 10:25
Ye Gods, what a battle we’ve just had! I haven’t felt my skills put to the test like that in a very long time. Luckily The Men (and Ityhk) are formidable warriors all, and allies I’m glad to have by my side in battle!
Shit, I’m sorry. I can’t keep that up. Haha, I sound ridiculous in my own head, that’s got to be a warning sign. Kage sings these songs about us that make us sound epically bad ass, like chopping off dragon heads with a three foot hard on, but he uses this fancy fucking language and I think that’s really the key. But I just can’t do it. My man has a way with words. Sings about my cock an awful lot, but I guess it can’t hurt to get the word out.
So yea, we had a huge fucking fight with Orlaf and his bearded buddies, but in the end, as always, Madmartigan’s Men (and Ityhk) kicked ass.
February 13, 2013 09:03
Hey there doll, what’s new? I’ve been busy blazing a path to a legacy of awesomeness. The men & I (and Ithyk) got back to Overlook with our sack full of incriminating shit and dropped it on Ulysses’ desk. I notice every time we see him there’s less security around. It’s sweet that they ever thought they could stop us if we wanted to do him harm in the first place, but I do appreciate the trust forming between us.
Ulysses said that we were to lay low for a few days while they built their case against the Consortium. He also sent Rocky off to some town to scout the place out for us. Seems kind of silly sending pebbles-for-brains off on a scouting mission, but hey, what do I know? I laid low, in just about every tavern around town, drinking, fighting & fucking my way through a five-day rager. It was epic. I hope Kage writes a song just about that.
When we went back to Ulysses, he informed us that there was going to be a concentrated efforrt, blah blah blah. Long story short, The Men (and Ithyk) were being sent to take down Olaf, the grande fromage of the Consortium. Nothing but the best for Madmartigan’s Men (and Ithyk)!
We strolled up to Olaf’s front door at dawn, and just as we were going to kick it in, it exploded outwards. A mother-fucking, honest-to-Kord dragon strolled out to us, witty as you please. We exchanged a bit of light-hearted banter before things got real. The kid sprung into action, laying into the dragon like only he can. It was something to see, shadow dragon versus shadow fighter, like darkness fighting darkness! He kicked the thing so hard, it fell down the stairs, saving me some trouble, until it spewed it’s life-stealing death breath all over The Men & I, summoning up a cloud of darkness to surround and blind us at the same time. I came charging out of the nasty shadow, bad as you please, crunched it’s skull with the pommel of my blade and uppercut the bitch at the same time. That was how the rest of the battle went: Ithyk & I delivering blow after blow to the skull, so the thing could barely even stand, plus the rest of The Men delivering ten kinds of pain onto it.
With the dragon decapitated (literally, we nailed it’s head to Ithyk’s door), I strode with bravado into Olaf’s place and promptly caught an enormous fucking bolt in the chest. A handful of dwarves waited us in the main foyer (Kage said it like “foy-yay”, fancy prick) and we dealt with them like we do. Ithyk even charged up onto a balcony to dispatch the fucker that shot me with a crossbow, but Clunky magic-yanked him down to the floor so Ithyk dove down after him. I’m going to have to look into getting a tapestry of that crafted for Madmartigan’s Manse Victorious.
January 28, 2013 22:10
Hey gorgeous. I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry.
Don’t be like that, baby. You know you’re my number one.
That’s a good girl. Now spread ‘em and take all this in. It’s a big one:
Last time I left you, The Men & I (and Ithyk) were sneaking into Sarashcan’s lair. We poked around but didn’t find much. On our way out, much found us. Big S himself and a garrison of boot-stomping guards were waiting for us. I almost had him convinced that The Men were going to work for him and this was our application, but he doesn’t have girl-parts. My signature Madmartigan charm didn’t work on him and he saw my mighty blade was coming for him. He beat feet out of there and left of sizeable troop of guards to deal with us.
We dealt with them, instead.
Back in the real world we brought our info to Conrad, but it wasn’t enough to nail Bram. In the raid they did manage to find a map to some old fortress way off in the desert that seemed connected. So off we went. We arrived in the town of Dunesridge with my usual impeccable timing, showing up right before some poor yokels got the chop from some Ithyk wannabe.
Ithyk barked some shit at him for a few, until things went down and we took him and his cronies out. Ityhk didn’t want to kill the pitiful thing, so now he has a pet of his own.
Whoa. A dog with a dog. I think I just went cross-eyed.
Our new mascot told us he worked for Queen Shephatiah, some fancy desert bitch residing in Ironfell Fortress, right where we were heading. We told the people of Dunesridge they were now part of the Madmartigan Protectorate and the only tribute we required was a righteous party. People are finally recognizing my sheer awesomeness. Wouldn’t be surprised if they made me mayor or something. I totally banged the leader’s daughters. Yes, I just said daughters. Both of them. I know.
The next day we set off for Ironfell fortress. I sent Bat Boy ahead to scout things out. I’m tough on the kid but he really knows how to get the job done. Kind of spooks me, if I’m being honest. Doggie & Marbles are formidable in a fight, and the things Kage and Metalhead can do are mind-blowing, but the kid is in his own arena. I mean, he jumps through people’s fucking shadows now. It ain’t natural, not that I’d say as much to him.
Anyway, we killed all the monsters we could find including the Queen. I even took on two big motherhumping wolf things which was crazy bad-ass. But I had a feeling something was wrong and that feeling only increased when we met a weird old dude in a prison cell. He was nice, gave me a bitchin’ ring that opens secret doors and told us the real Queen Shephatiah was lying in wait for us beneath the fortress. I totally called that shit.
Leaving him in his prison cell (yea, I don’t know…) we delved deep into the oogey mines below. We ganked a bunch more monsters on our way to Queenie. Ye Gods, was she a sight. Some kind of giant evil snake thingy (Kage called her a Naga) perched upon a pile of skulls, flanked by demons, across a firey ravine. Things got pretty heated, literally, when a firey cloud creature erupted out of the hole and burned us all. Ithyk and me shut it down, while the rest of The Men cut the head off the snake and the demons to boot. Well, one of the demons. The other jumped into the pit, awed by the sight of so much Kord-damned machismo.
Found a sweet-ass ring in the skull pile, too. Fuckin’ A.
January 28, 2013 17:10
“What in the Nine Hell’s are you talking about Dio?!? Of course the boss is gonna want to hear this.” Kage waved his hand at the book imp in a very dismissive manner. Dio pushed his spectacles up to the bridge of his nose and sighed.
“He’s not going to like to presentat…..” The imp began.
“Feah!” spat Kage, and then promptly finished writing Glasrael’s sigal in the demon blood he had collected. There was a flash of red and black fire, and there stood the devil Glasrael. He glanced down at Kage with a look which was equal parts curiosity and annoyance.
“Demon blood?” The devil began. “How did you manage to lay your hands on fresh demon blood?”
“Well, duh!” Kage blurted out proudly. " Me and Madmartigan’s Men killed one! It was a mezzodemon I think, didn’t stand a chance."
“Mezzodemon? This wasn’t by chance the same mezzodemon that moments before had been sent to Stygia where it started making an awful mess, until a pit-fiend thrust it back to your world, would it?” The irritation in Glasrael’s voice was filled so much vitriol it could have caused a pregnant woman to spontaneously abort, and Kage either didn’t notice, or ignored it.
“No, that one got away after he came back. The blood was from his friend.” Kage smiled. Glasrael’s eye twitched.
“Kage, why did you summon me?” The devil said through clenched teeth.
“Oh, right, I wanted to tell you about a mine that we found full of ore corrupted by the elemental chaos. It would probably be wicked useful for making sweet weapons.” At that some of the tension from Glasrael’s shoulders released.
" Really?" The devil asked. “That does sound interesting. Fine, I’ll bite. Where is the mine, and will it be easy to make a summoning circle so I can get workers there?”
“Oh, uuuuuuummmmm.” Kage said as he looked down.
“Well, see the thing is, I can’t tell you yet.” Glasrael put a hand to his temple.
“Because Madmartigan said we gotta keep it a secret for now.” Glasrael simply stared at him, unblinking, as the ground at his feet began to blacked. “Oh, there was something else too.”
Glasrael continued to stare as the temperature around his body steadily rose." We kinda met this old guy in the mine’s, and I mean wicked old. He knew tons of stuff and had all these canaries with him. I think he might have been an exarch or something, only I’m not sure who he served." Suddenly Glasrael’s paralyzing rage subsided.
" Canaries? How many? Seven?" The devil look slightly concerned.
“Ummmmm, yeah, it was seven. Why?”
“That Kage, is very important information. I have to go report his. Be sure to tell me of any other encounters with that old man.” And in a whirl of hell-fire, Glasrael vanished.
“Ha!” barked Kage. " You see that Dio! Important info! Just like I said!"
" Yes, just like you said boss." muttered the book imp under his breath. “Only not.”
October 20, 2012 00:48
Kage stood on the hill overlooking the colossal war camp. He smiled to himself smugly and looked at Dio.
“poor suckers.” he said. Dio simply rolled his eyes as he sat on Kage’s shoulder. The imp was trying to ignore Kage and kept reading from his iron bound infernal text." I can’t wait anymore!" Kage announced. “I’m calling the boss!”
“Bad idea.” Dio muttered under his breath. If Kage heard him, he didn’t listen. He instead pulled out a vial of orc blood, dipped his finger in it and wrote the sigal of Glasrael on the ground. There was a sudden blast of brimstone and there, standing before Kage, was the devil Glasrael, in all of his infernal glory. Glasrael looked at Kage and frowned.
“Kage.” Glasrael began, his voice thick with irritation. “I thought I told you not to contact me directly anymore. You’re supposed to confer with the book imp.”
“Huh?” asked kage clearly confused. " The book imp? You mean Dio?" Dio turned to look at Glasrael and smiled over his spectacles,waving.
“Yes, whatever you call him.” Glasrael said exasperated. He sighed deeply and suddenly looked up. "Is that brimstone I smell?’ He glanced around and saw clouds of black, ash laden smoke float across the grey sky. Then he turned and saw the war camp. “Kage!” he said very alarmed “Did you summon me to Avernus?!?”
“Huh?” replied Kage, clearly dumb struck.
“Avernus! The First Hell!” Glasrael shouted. " You know I can’t go there! Lord Bel is still angry with me!"
“Oh, yeah.” Kage began. " This isn’t Baator. It’s somewhere in the Shadowfell."
“It isn’t?” Glasrael said looking around nervously. " Well ok. The Shadowfell? Why are you here?"
“Ummmm, we kind of got stuck. This dark one named Mordan sucked us into here after we tossed him down a chasm.”
“Why should you and your friends stupidity interest me Kage?”
“Cause we think there’s some kind of inter-planar war starting here.” Glasrael suddenly became very serious.
“Oh.” Kage said sounding a little shocked. “Ummmm, thats kind of all we know right now, but we’re going to try and talk to the guy in charge, Sarashan, and see what he’s planning on doing. Then if he has bad guy plans we’re going to kick his ass. At least, I think that’s the plan.”
“Hmmmmm…” Glasrael pondered as he stared off. " Sarashan you say?" Kage nodded enthusiastically. " Very well Kage, when you have more information contact me. This could prove useful." Glasrael looked Kage in the eye." make sure you dedicate some of the slain to our lord Asmodeus." And with that, Glasrael vanished into a puff of smoke.
“HA!” Laughed Kage as he looked at Dio. “Bad idea, huh? That sounded like the boss was glad to talk to me!” A giant grin stretched across Kages face as he puffed out his chest. Dio sighed again.
“If you say so boss. If you say so”
September 24, 2012 17:47
Modran is all open now. His life is spread on rocks and dirt, heyeehyeeheehyea. Madman was different, crazy, he was strong and he threw Modran over his head. Modran opened Madman’s blood and Madman got angry and threw him on rocks in the gaping earth. I laughed hard. The doorway opened though. It smelled like long dead and forgotten blood. I said to close it, but they were all too dumb to listen and now we’re on the place of old rotten. That makes me mad, like Madman was. Theirs is the only live blood around now. Heyeeyheeheeyeh ehheh.
September 24, 2012 17:10
Hey baby, it’s Madmart—again. See what I did there?
I’ve had quite a day. We tracked down the creep Modra, along with some flunkies, a mean-ass witch and a bunch of ghosts. Guess what the difference between them and me is?
I’m still alive.
During the throw down with Modra and his ghost minions, the chicken-shit bastard tried to run through some portal. I ran up to him, put him in a devastating Madmartigan headlock, dragged his scrawny ass over to a pit, picked him up over my head and threw him in.
The spooky kid and Marbles climbed down and found pieces of him every. And that’s how Madmartigan fucking gets it done.
As we were sitting around, bandaging our few minor wounds, a couple of the men were knuckleheading around with the portal in the room and got their buns teleported. Of course I leapt in after them, only to find that we were all in the Shadowfell.
We found a big damn soldier encampment and, under the guise of mercenaries-for-hire, sized up the situation. Turns out Sarshan, the other nob we were looking for, had himself a mercenary army. Spooky kid found some secret way into his mountain volcano lair (I’m not kidding, dudes has a volcano lair) and we made our way in, killing everything that got in our way.
Now we’re about to take a secret tunnel into the lair proper. I’ll have to keep my eyes open for more mutated freak monsters. This is gonna be fun.