Meet the DM Staff
Dave, a.k.a. El Presidente
Head DM, Rules Arbiter, Master of Encounters.
Dave is more or less what you would get if you let pure intensity congeal into a thick paste and painted it liberally over the head and forequarters of a rhinoceros and then set the whole thing on fire. He’s from Jersey, but not like Joe’s half-assed from Jersey or like RJ was from Jersey and then quit; he’s from Jersey in that left turns fill his mouth with bile and the tang of refinery smoke renews his mystic powers. He has no sense of direction, little useful memory, little mechanical ability, a short attention span, and profound lethargy, but makes up for it with years of DMing experience and dedication to the craft of the game, not to mention telekinesis. Unlike most of the DM staff, he is immune to electricity but is vulnerable to moral corruption and slashing weapons. He once showed up at the well of Mimir in Utgard to give up his left eye for wisdom, but Mimir had already been beheaded in the Aesir-Vanir war and there wasn’t a bucket so he was S.O.L.
Things Dave Likes: Mythology, playing the drums, sauteed mushrooms, chocolate, Reel Big Fish, fantasy novels, stand-up comedy, console RPGs, white mana.
Things Dave Dislikes: Math, sleep deprivation, tomatoes, rap music, first-person shooters, pedestrians, exercise, red mana.
Drops on Death: Dave’s Glasses (100% chance; Quest Item), mechanical pencil (70% chance), pack of Trident White (70% chance), DM’s Dice (50% chance), linguistics textbook (30% chance), Fifth Dawn booster pack (30% chance), Discworld novel (15%; choose randomly from series), 4d12+10 dollars USD.
Joe, a.k.a. Fronkensteen
Head Fight Runner, Keeper of Numbers, Organizer of Notes, Wiper of Spittle and Foam from RJ’s Mouth
Joe has two settings. Happy-go-lucky optimistic Asian and GIANT BALL OF WRATHFUL AND RAGING ASIAN! He’s half-assed from Jersey, but only if that ass belonged to a Texan. He’s an expert lover, amazing painter, wonderful friend and above all else, just generally awesome. He has been playing D&D for 5 years and has come to know the D&D rules about as well as he knows anything. Unfortunately he doesn’t know anything particularly well. Of yet, no one knows how to kill him, but many have attempted. He is hailed as Quencher of Flames by the Elves, Chewer of Rock by the Dwarves, Master Illusionist by the Gnomes (but they don’t really count), and Champion Eater by the Halflings. He has battled and slain the mightiest of beasts and come out the victor each and every time, with hardly a drop of sweat on his brow. Oh yeah, and he’s modest.
Things Joe Likes: Video Games, music, food, sleep, showers, Dane Cook, Ryan Reynolds, red mana.
Things Joe Dislikes: Dave, his parents, Hannah Montana, High School Musical X, Absinthe, Jodah’s Avenger.
Drops on Death: A box of Wing Zone Original Spicy Honey BBQ wings (100% chance, Quest Item), iPod Touch (80% chance), Random Magic Booster (Roll on Table 12.1) (75% chance), Time Magazine (50% chance), Keys (5% chance), 1d4 dollars.
RJ, a.k.a The Bard (with optional 1000 sands attachment), El Comodoro, Messiah
Head Storyteller, Associate NPC Runner, Creative Consultant
RJ wishes he could make some of his life up. To give a full and complete account, perhaps it would be best to direct you to this scholarship essay he wrote and sent out. He has been known to save small children from burning buildings whilst composing epic poems, all after a hearty breakfast of rusty nails and anvils.
Things RJ Likes: Good stories, fantasy, water, wine, philosophy, BRUCE MOTHER-FUCKING NEVER HAVE TO RELOAD SPY SUPPORTING CAMBPELL, blue mana.
Things RJ Dislikes: Condescending Jackasses, his dryer, mushrooms, emus, BooBahs, efforts in futility.