The crazy Alchemist lady is a-gonna be th’ death of me! They reckon ah’s crazy, but they is th’ ones trestin’ her! Let me give th’ 411.

So’s Raves gives de colors we acquired at da damn kidnappin’ site, and she puts it into some bowl. Suddenly we is weightless in de dark! Right on! ah’ do not mean fine dark likes mah’ skin, but truly dark. Ya’ know? Dis Willie duz not likes, not at all. Den de wo’ld appears, likes in dose shows about da damn astronauts comin’ back fum de moon. ‘S coo’, bro. ah’ see Europe and Asia digtin’ close, de Black Sea and da damn Mediterranean (dere be some fine hoes dere! Right on!) and den some old city. Latas we learn it be Strada Tudo Vladomirescu in Romania.

We dig t’dis crib wid tinted windows. Slimmy goes drough de doo’, likes he be a ghost. Man! ah’ reach fo’ mah’ hammers, and dey ain’t dere. ah’ sees dem, but dey ain’t dere! Some funky ass shit goin’ down here! I hears th’ skeezer bitch in my noggin’ agin….

“Willie- you are viewing this scene. You are not really there. You are sitting still here at my island.”

“Damn Bitch! Where da funk is my hammas? What the f*#@! Where da funk is Willie’s warm, soft n’ chewy, melt-in-her-mouth chocolate hands?!”

Right on! Mah’ body be ova’ dere, wid de crazy lady and ha’ froy cock- dragon doodad. Who knows whut dey hangin’ t’Willie’s body? You’s gotss t’pay t’have access, one way o’ anoder, t’dat. Man! ah’ am none too pleased t’hear dis.

Long sto’y sho’t we at least scope da damn place out. Man! We find da damn bloodlo’d Silas, and his daughta’ Mila. ah’ figure out, drough mah’ happenin’ self, dat dey is bein’ diseased, and it be drough rat blood bein’ fed t’dem. Word, now we know wha’s happen’in.
Mila bitched, in silver manacles, held by another vampire.

“I am going to rip your teeth out, one by one. I will leave your fangs for last, and those I will dissolve with acid… or maybe I’ll pick me out a priest to piss them away. Then I will feed YOU rat blood.”
“You cannot do this to me! The Lost are gunna get here any minute! ….”
“Please let me go!! P-p-pplease? I n-n-need to g-g-go ho-ome….”

Just as we is gettin’ to da’ deals, de dumb skeeza’ pulls us back. Ya’ know? Reggie mos’wastes herself tryin’ t’grab Mila on de way out. Man! Dragon o’ no, ah’ have had it wid dis all-powerful but completely ineffectual alchemist.

I lay into her, hard, as duz mah’ criby Raves. She gots de gall t’go spell makin’ and zip Raves’ moud shut. Man! ah’ pull out mah’ hammers, and ah’ know once ah’ pull de triggers dat stupid Cock gots’ta make mincemeat uh me- but ah’ no longa’ care. She tries t’steal us off wid free stuff- sump’n about merit. Man! She says dat if we do not please ha’ she gots’ta snatch de merit away. Slap mah fro! De rest uh de group, even dough she gots proven she kinnot be trusted, duz not spend deir “merit. Man!” Only me and Slimmy is smart enough t’do so. ‘S coo’, bro- you da’ man Slimmy. ah’ told ya’- dey is de crazy ones! Right on! ah’ get some doodads dat she says gots’ta scare da damn bejeezes out uh de enemy- ah’ gots’ta only use dem in despuh’shun- ah’ duzn’t trust da damn bitch.

So, duz de all-powerful skeeza’ have da damn powa’ to dig us right back t’where we plum were? Of
course not! Preach it loud, bruddah! She kin only drow us back! So’s de much mo’e resourceful Willie gots’ta t’get us from Soud America t’Eastern Europe. Who be de powerful one? Whose da damn man? ah’ am. WORD! Lop some boogie.

Continued in the log Not So Friendly Skies.

Log from the upcoming book, “The Eloquent Stylings of Willie Dynamite” by Willie Dynamite.


Translation:
So Raven gives the patch we acquired at the kidnapping site, and she puts it into a bowl. Suddenly we are weightless in the dark! I do not mean beautiful dark like my skin, but truly dark. This Willie does not like, not at all. Then the world appears, like in those shows about the astronauts coming back from the moon. I see Europe and Asia getting close, the Black Sea and the Mediterranean (there be some fine hoes there!) and then some old city. Later we learn it is Strada Tudo Vladomirescu in Romania.

We get to this house with tinted windows. Slimmy goes through the door, like he is a ghost. I reach for my hammers, and they ain’t there. I sees them, but they ain’t there! I hear the crazy alchemist in my head again.

“Willie- you are viewing this scene. You are not really there. You are sitting still here at my island.”

Great! My body is over there, with the crazy lady and her hairy cock- dragon thing. Who knows what they doing to Willie’s body? You gots to pay to have access, one way or another, to that. I am none too pleased to hear this.

Long story short we at least scope the place out. We find the bloodlord Silas, and his daughter Mila. I figure out, through my awesome self, that they are being diseased, and it is through rat blood being fed to them. Mila- In silver manacles, held by another vampire.

“I am going to rip your teeth out, one by one. I will leave your fangs for last, and those I will dissolve with acid… or maybe I’ll pick me out a priest to piss them away. Then I will feed YOU rat blood.”
“You cannot do this to me! The Lost are gunna get here any minute! ….”
“Please let me go!! P-p-pplease? I n-n-need to g-g-go ho-ome….”

Just as we are getting somewhere, the dumb skeezer pulls us back. Reggie almost kills herself trying to grab Mila on the way out. Dragon or no, I have had it with this all-powerful but completely ineffectual alchemist.

I lay into her, hard, as does my homey Raves. She has the gall to go spell making and zip Raves’ mouth shut. I pull out my hammers, and I know once I pull the triggers that stupid Cock will make mincemeat of me- but I no longer care. She tries to buy us off with free stuff- something about merit. She says that if we do not please her she will take the merit away. The rest of the group, even though she has proven she cannot be trusted, does not spend their “merit.” Only me and are smart enough to do so. I told you- they are the crazy ones! I get some doodads that she says will scare the bejeezes out of the enemy- I will only use them in desperation- I don’t trust the bitch.

So, does the all-powerful skeezer have the power to get us right back to where we just were? Of course not!! She can only send us back! So the much more resourceful Willie will have to get us from South America to Eastern Europe. Who is the powerful one? Whose the man? I am.

Crazy lady picture from Pinoy Tutorial.