Bio

The Tragic Tom-Foolery of Ser Ethelbert Findelheim, or Bert if you prefer, the Forthrighted

As a boy Bert was a strange and slow child. He loved pixie fairies. When playing games with other children he would always play them, except he failed to grasp the concept that pixie fairies were small dainty things and would still end up beating up the other kids who called him a girlish little faerie boy and all sorts of other nastisms that just burned him to a boil. He was not very good a playing pixie fairies.

His mother loved him, her slow, slow child. She worried about his violent outbursts, especially he beat an elf boy so bruised he turned him into a dark elf. Not knowing what to do, his mother concluded she must shower him with as much love and affection as she could, hoping to soothe her beastly child. Just like a woman. Misguided by her petty  weak emotions. Ed barely stood a chance.

Bert became two different people. The lovely, sweet meek boy who played pixie fairy with his mother at home, singing (terribly might i add. that boy is as tone deaf as a sewer slime), and the sadistic monster of the playground. Not all her lessons were lost. Ebert was always honest about what he did. Afterall, he was never scolded for his bad behavior. Mommy just gave him hugs and let him play pixie fairy.

His father, concerned for his son, decided to enroll his son in a knightly order. He hoped the discipline and structure might help him. The order was delighted to have him. In training with other pages, they quickly realized he had all the traits necessary to be a brutal killing machine for justice. They also realized they needed to recruit more pages as he kept slaughtering his sparring partners and torturing them to death. Truly he was to be bloody engine of justice!

Bert quickly rose in ranks. They were running short of sparring partners at every level. It was only prudent to accelerate this obviously gifted warrior. When at last he graduated his father bestowed him the family battle-axe, wielded proudly by their grandfather against the orcs along side the Chestwurld armies.

Bert then set off on his grand adventures as a Knight Errant of the Key. Champion of law and order, and freer of the wrongly imprisoned. While traveling he heard that the princess had been imprisoned in a great tower. Deeming this a great injustice he saw fit to storm the tower liberate the lady. Little did he know that the princess was not in any danger at all. She had paid the orcs and goblins very handsomely to imprison her inside the tower to satisfy her extravagant and twisted sexual fantasies. All of which Bert obliged (the vow of chastity does not count if its an Order from a Princess/Duchess/Queen/Lady/Barwench/Brothel Girl. “I cannot resist their seductive witchcraft!”) after he slaughtered every orc, servant, maid and even a few nurses that were in his way (surely they were all working for the dark lord).

Unfortunately the King got wind of some psychopath storming his daughter’s tower, and sent his best men to apprehend him. Upon entering the chamber, they startled Bert (naked and enjoying himself) in the midst of whipping (among other things) a helpless and chained princess (also naked, and enjoying it despite the odd face she was making). They immediately attempted to detain him, when he grabbed his family battle-axe and began chopping men down left and right still naked. He was eventually overwhelmed and taken before the King… Still naked.

The King hoping to brush this incident under the rug order the detachment of guards who captured him to take him into chestwurld. He also called in a favor from the assassins guild to kill every one of his soldiers once inside chestwurld. A father must protect his daughter’s purity, after all.