Long ago on the coasts of Horundale, a peaceful clan of halflings lived out their lives free from desires of life that twist men’s souls. An idyllic life, their only want was fine food, constant weight lifting to stay ripped, and warm women to comfort them at night. They occasionally traded with the locals across the country side, giving tubers in exchange for gnomish weight benches or fish in exchange for cattle that they would dress like fish. They called them land fish.
One fateful day a Hef Rubber was pulling his nets when he spied a Norse longboat coming to shore. Hef hid and spied on these strange men as they set up base camp. He was bewildered by their strange electrified lutes that seemed to blast sonic praise to the Gods. Naturally adept at hiding, Hef hid amongst the shrubs, delighting in their raider ways. A few departed from the camp only to return later with women, hot, sexy, Elf women. The lust in his heart was strong as Hef had only ever known the rough touch of the masculine halflings of his shire who he regularly satisfied with his unusually disproportionate Halfling wang.
As the Vikings had their way with the elf women, Hef grew emboldened by his desire to a better view that he crept forth from his shrub and ducked behind a rock. In his haste he had forgotten that one of the raiders had gone into the woods to relieve himself. As the congress heated up, Hef paid little attention to his surroundings and was caught from behind by the returning raider.
“Look what we have here!” shouted Magnus as he hoisted the halfling into the air by his shoulders. “A peeping tom!” The orgy ensued as the Vikings proceeded to laugh as they thrusted. “Should we eat him?” “Can you understand me little man?” Hef stared curiously at the Nord and shrugged his shoulders.
Having finished up and re-robed, Hansel got to his feet. “Release him! I speak perfect Halfling, we can totally have some fun with this one.” Clearing his throat he begins to speak Halfling. “You there, what is your name?”
“Hef sir, Hef Rubber. I am the town fisherman and pleasurer.” Hansel wrinkles his face and looks down at Hef’s bulging package. He shrugs.
“Hef, what is it that you desire? Why do you spy on us in the night? Do you wish to join us? Travel the world in search of adventure, slaying monsters, drinking hard drink?” He pats his full belly.
“If it pleases sir, all I desire are women. Real women, and sometimes elemental women. Dryads would be fun too. All I have known are the pig women of my village; as I am so incredibly ripped, pleasant smelling, and handsome, they come to me to father a stronger offspring for our shire. Never have I known the gentle caress of an elf or human or harpy,” Hef looked over at the elves taking it, longingly.
Sven took note of this and smiled. “Tell me Hef, who do you pray to at night?”
“Well, our God Wembly makes the potatoes grow and the fish come in, but I don’t really go to service except on Wemblymas.” His loins swelled as a naked elf approached the two in conversation.
Hansel wrapped his arm around the sexy little minx. “You know the reason we get so much hot tail is because we are totally rewarded by the one true God Othok. But you know, if you want to keep on worshiping your God, that’s totally fine, I mean we’re not trying to get all preachy.”
“But sir! Please tell me, what must I, a humble, hung halfling do to win Othok’s favor?”
“Well, first Othok demands praise from these goblin made electrified lutes and songs about hobbits, vikings, and dragons.” Hef nods. “Second, Othok demands a blood sacrifice and will only lay his blessing upon one son of any given family. Only when you are the last remaining heir of your bloodline, can your lineage be reborn unto the Legion of Othok. When you have done this, you may have your chance to share in our women.” Hansel nudges the elf woman over to Hef. She takes the hint and caresses his face. “Will you do as Othok demands for this?”
His eyes turn to steel as his little halfling brow furrows. “Othak’s will be done!” Hef turns and rushes off into the distance.
Hansel holds in his laughter until Hef runs out of distance, “Dudes! I totally convinced that little dude to kill his family.” They all start laughing heartily. “When he gets back lets just kick his ass and feed him to a beholder!” They cheer. “But now, let us play some excellent goblin heavy metal.” As the men finish with the women, the men and women and alike begin to play their electric lutes in the night.
Back in his den, Hef garrotes a sibling. He has worked his way down the row of 18 beds leaving 15 bodies behind him. He moves to the next bed and slides the wire over his brother’s throat, whispering, “sorry brother, but sacrificed must be made in the name of Othok.” His brother wrestles for Hef’s hands as the life leaves his dim eyes. “Thank god we’re a family of heavy sleepers.” He stands behind the bed of his final oldest brother. He hesitates. “Diff Rubber, you were the kindest and slowest of us all. What glory would there be in offering your soul to Othok. Surely he will kindly forgive your omission.
Hef confidently returns to the campsite. Instead of finding vikings making merry, he finds the lot of the slaughtered, their epic metal lutes destroyed, their elven women turned to ash, their legs in a pile. Hef recognizes the claw marks on the ground as those of a dragon, as he once peeped on two dragons mating in a cave after following the claw marks out front in. It was kinda hot in a kinky way.
Hef surveyed the damage and found Hansel’s head stuffed into his chest cavity which had been cleaved in twain. His faced turned from shock to disappointment. “Dear Othok, it’s me Hansel. I understand that because I did not slay Diff, you chose to punish me by withholding my reward. This is fair and understandable. But I have learned my lesson and from now on will do as you ask and follow your signs. If I have your blessing, do nothing. If I do not have your blessing, make one of those women come alive again.” He looks over at the burning women and waits. “Okay then, since I obviously can’t go home, I will travel the country side to claim your rewards since I’ve been taught a lesson. If you agree, do nothing. If you do not agree, make a whale eat that long boat.” He looks to the long boat for a moment. Nothing happens. “Thanks God!”
And so Hef sets off into the night with a satchel full of lambskin condoms, booze, and a short sword. In the distance he see’s a dandy kobold highwayman robbing a foppish maiden. Silently Hef melds into the shadows. Though he was known for being slow witted, his ability to stealthily kill had great renown. Climbing a tree he tiptoed above the highwayman and poised to drop. The maiden gave him her purse and the highway man began to back away under the tree branch. Hef dropped upon him and with a quick stab to the jugular slashed the kobold’s throat. He gathered himself and quickly jumped to his feet, extending the purse to the maiden.
She retrieved it from the little man’s open hands. “Thank you my good fellow!” Like all women, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. “I know your people and your language from my husband’s dealings with halflings over the years. He is an agent that hires short people to be tossed at parties.”
“Ahh then you must be the Countess of Nottinghammerdale.” He bows before her. She chuckles.
“Aren’t you cute and you’re ripped as all hell.” She shivers. Because her clothes are loose her dress falls down to her ankles. “Woops, I hate when that happens.” She turns her back to the little man and bends over to pull her skirt up slowly, shaking her ass. Hef had heard she was a slut, but did not know she had such an awesome ass. His pants grew tight.
She turned and began to caress her breast through her shirt. “Oh my, I see you’ve got quite a situation going on in your trousers. Ohhhh…” She moaned. Hef begins to undress, but she pauses. “Oh, what are you doing?” She takes a step back.
“Well, I thought you wanted… you know… I saved you and all.” He looks down at his feet ashamed.
“My dear fellow, though my body doth desire your blood gorged battering ram, my fine upbringing will never allow me to find pleasure in someone of such low standing. Perhaps someday you may be able to attain the wealth that a woman such as myself has grown accustomed to, until then, we will have to part ways with nothing more than a thank you.”
Knowing his balls are going to be blue tonight, the little Halfling bites his lip in frustration. “Fucking cunt!” he thinks to himself. “My lady, allow me to help you into your carriage, as it is the least I could do in order to turn myself into a gentleman befitting your social class. She nods and he leads her to her carriage. He puts out his hand, which she takes to pull herself up into the carriage. He closes the door behind her. She looks out the window at him.
“Know this little man, with abs like those and a cock like that, once you obtain a Lord’s standing, you will have every woman of the kingdom at your beck and call.” With that she motions to her mechanical goblin carriage driver. Steam comes out of his robo ears and he releases the rains and her horses continue down the road. Hef looks into his hand to reveal the purse he palmed off the maiden while helping her into the carriage. As it drives out of site he drops his pants and begins to undress the bleeding out kobold. “Well, if women only want money, then from this day forth, I shall build myself into a man of great renown. I piss on the name Hef Rubber! Henseforth, I shall be Lord Slade Darkblade!” With the clothes removed he pisses on the dead body. Before dressing in the dandy garb.
He thinks to himself, “I’ve heard dragons like shiny things, so logic dictates they have enough gold to make any man a king. Pity, though badass as I am, I have not the ability to stab one to death on my own. Nay, I shall need to find a posse to help me get real paid!” With that, he smiles to himself and cartwheels off down the road. “Weeeeee!”