1. I wrote the book of Galatians on a dare.
2. Gordon Shumway is the only one who can scratch my itch.
3. The list of things that are diminished by chili and cheese is much shorter than the list of things that benefit.
4. I like to think of myself as a poor man’s Charles Kuralt, and a rich man’s Dora the Explorer.
5. I know a lot of TV theme songs. A lot. Many of which I don’t really like.
6. I HATE giving bad news.
7. Newsradio is one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, and if you disagree with this, I cannot even begin to argue with you, as your opinion itself defies all logic and reason, robbing me of debate tactics that a sane person would use.
8. Leon Hale is so old, I suspect he may survive as the photosynthetic partner of a fungus.
9. Sometimes I want to put on a waistcoat and tri-corn and go about busting up some Tories with my walking stick.
10. I had Mongolian Chicken from Pei Wei today, and yes, it was awesome.
11. Emerson once wrote: “Man thinking must not be subdued by his instruments. Books are for the scholar’s idle times. When he can read God directly, the hour is too precious to be wasted in other men’s transcripts of their readings. But when the intervals of darkness come, as come they must, — when the sun is hid, and the stars withdraw their shining, — we repair to the lamps which were kindled by their ray, to guide our steps to the East again, where the dawn is. We hear, that we may speak. The Arabian proverb says, ‘A fig tree, looking on a fig tree, becometh fruitful.’”
Could it be that Emerson hates nerds, and yet he is one? The situation is a tad Clayton Bigsby-esque.
12. I think it’s always a good idea to have advice to live by. For me, that advice would be, “baking chocolate is not good candy.”
13. When I was in 6th grade, Walter Wilson told me and his brother Matthew that a frump was a person who would fart in the bath tub and try to bite the bubbles.
14. I love music like Leadbelly or Arlo Guthrie and the like, but I can’t just listen to an album of the stuff. A song at a time, mix it up.
15. I think everyone knows that the scrotums on the squirrels at the University of St. Thomas are comically oversized, and we’ve joked about it and everyone thinks its funny, but someday it’s going to be important, as in, “I need a parachute, quickly – what can I use?”
16. Sure, the Hamburgler’s methods are a maddening labyrinth to us normal folks, but this man faces the daily Lovecraftian frightmare that is Grimace EVERY DAY. So lay off.
17. “Pootie, that was the longest trailer I’ve ever seen.”
18. Mysteriously, the left sleeves on many of my older dress shirts have developed tears right below the elbow. I started to check my elbows to see if they could be mistaken for dangerous, shirt-tearing weapons, only to discover I was not Dikembe Mutumbo, so no.
19. I wish more buildings could be built with retractable roofs, specifically, the last few places I have worked. Occasionally, you just want to be outdoors during the day, you know? I know it affects everyone’s mood, but I feel like I’m particularly susceptible.
20. When Baseball finally gets back, I will probably dance like Snoopy for joy.
21. People got so impressed when Fred Astaire danced on the ceiling with a vacuum cleaner, but you know what, folks? He’s a ghost. Ghosts can do that.
22. I started and erased this bio several times. The more you do that, the more pressure there is to entertain them with your answers, but eventually, you just say f**k it and write whatever you want.
23. If you have no opinion of Garrison Keillor whatsoever, I’d like to talk to you, and also to see if you can dance on the ceiling with a vacuum cleaner.
24. Singing “Hooked on a Feeling” doesn’t happen softly, so don’t get on someone when they belt that mofo, okay?
25. According to the Waffle House website, there really is a Bert, who works for Waffle House and created Bert’s Chili: http://www.wafflehouse.com/bertschili.asp . What Waffle House fails to grasp is that when I take the time to google Bert’s Chili, this is not the answer to the question I asked.