(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE COMMANDS ME.)
I was recently pulled into a classroom by a policeman who wanted me to point out to the next generation why the mystery man on the video – the one with a chainsaw in both hands – was doing something against the law and was wrong. The answer unto which was – “He didn’t have his pinkies extended whilst wielding the chainsaws.”
(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE COMPELS ME.)
With that, and my foil – a talking otter by the name of Goofball – I proudly go forth into places I haven’t ever gone before. Goofball sort of keeps me on the good side. But even he recognizes that when hoods come near my car with lead pipes that there needs to be some serious thrashing. Ha ha! Sinister plot twist.
(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE POKES ME.)
Now, before you come after me for my apparent disability to distinguish reality from fiction, I should let you know that I didn’t set my fists on fire and use them to go after the hoods. That’s why my otter has his flying Onionhead turban, and I have chainsaws. Chainsaws with burning alcohol on their incomprehensibly quick rotating bladed chains.
(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE MICROMANAGES ME.)
Now, most people would say that after the crime element has left the immediate zip code, that one should stop wielding the flaming timber implements. But moderation, as Heinlen once said, “…is for monks.” And so yay verily, I ground my chainsaws into the asphalt, and raced myself across I-5 down to the Portland Airport, and all the way back to Portland State University. Whereupon both my chainsaws exploded from overuse and the fishes started to go in and out of people’s ears.
(THE EVIL GREEN SAUSAGE IS SOMEWHERE ON I-5.)
And, just as my clothes are extinguished by the espresso-wielding college yuppies, I am pulled into a classroom by a policeman who wanted me to point out to the next generation why the mystery man on the video – the one with a chainsaw in both hands – was doing something against the law and was wrong.